I hate people.

As I move forward, little by little, in time... I come to realize how much I might not entirely hate people. But that doesn't mean I don't dislike a great deal of them.

Yeah, I've probably mentioned it before: I am small, I know my conceptions of other people don't matter. I can judge whoever I want. I can dislike whatever I want.

Since when I do I have to like someone for reasons society has deemed them "good"? Honestly, a person can be nice, or friendly, or whatever, but that doesn't win me over for them. Just because it's a generally liked trait by the masses doesn't mean it has to be special to me.

One of the plus sides to being an individual in a world of billions of people is that I get to choose my friends, and they likewise get to choose me as their friend in return. I don't have to do anything other than be myself, or not. And they do the same.

In the end, I guess I'm saying I like my little group of friends, and they stand out like no others in the world to me.

And damn it, I don't care how damn special everyone else thinks you are, if you are bland and free of any depth or substance, you will not be my friend.

And I owe no one anything! All I give is a chance.

I'm so tired of people being the same. Show me something a little different.

Escape

Let's waste some time, show this world what we're all about. Yeah, you know, I've been getting weighed down in the routine, in the order, in all of it. I see the same people on certain weekday nights. I go to my classes, and I'm a good child.

But I want to get away from it all. No, I don't want to run away, per se, but god, if I didn't want time to stop.

It's a challenge; I am challenging you, gods. Why won't you let me have a night that will last forever? Actually, forever isn't what I'm asking for. I just wish nights didn't end before the story did. I'm tired of the sun rising before I get a decent thunderstorm. I'm tired of the people I'm with needing sleep. I'm tired of my own body dragging me down into soft pillows for another set of hours.

I want to roam and live my life in the night. I want to get lost in it with a friend or two. I want to adventure more and more, and I want to be just this selfish about it.

In the summer, there's a strange timelessness. It's where I feel we all fade away, back to our respective places, our places separated from one another. Will it simply pause our time together or will we be strangers when we return?

I feel like winter is traditionally the dead time, but summer is it for me. What will I do? What have I done in past summers? It seems like a long desert; I can't remember much of any summer.

So let us live as only we can, before the summer hits. Before my blood thickens too much for life. Before I hibernate it away. Yeah, I will return again, and it will be new again, but I know that when I do, it will only be routines again. The profane, I won't let it eat me.

Let's spend some time together while we can.

Hey, stop thinking you're such a burden. If you only knew how many times you've made even distant acquaintances laugh.

And as much as you worry that you can't find friends, people tend to like and understand you. They find you fun, even when you don't feel that way. And you have so many friends that would always be by your side.

And we all worry because we care about you, and we listen, too. Just tell me what you need and I'll be there. You're my friend, you know, and that means that I'll do whatever I can to ensure you'll smile again.

Thank you for always being yourself in the truest sense.

The Reason for Being judgmental.

So I would guess you knew that one of my most distinct traits is my judgment. Lately it's turned into a humorous facet, but I'm not so sure it was ever so funny.

No, I don't judge a person for too many petty things unless I've just met them. I feel that that is the time to judge if any. An average person will meet thousands of people in their lifetime if not many more. I don't see the need to become friends or even acquaintances with all of them.

Obviously a single person's personality type is not compatible with all others'. Some may be much more open to more friendships, but I think that each of these numerous friendships lose a small amount of depth as they stack up. Intimate relationships become friendships, which in turn eventually water down into names and then into faces. Because of the simple lack of time in a person's lifetime, they cannot get to know too many people in an intimate way and maintain that.

I have never had a strong need for friendships. I suppose it takes a particular mood for me to be friendly, or for a person to be particularly interesting to make me want to talk to them. I don't have to always be shy; I can push myself to talk if I am intrigued enough, even with nothing to say. Therefore, I suppose, I am never looking for friends. It doesn't matter to me how many friends I have, unless it is bothersome to deal with the number of them.

I guess I see them too objectively. I love my friends, don't get me wrong. But I'd prefer to be able to talk to them all with as much time and respect as they deserve.

So, in defense of this, I judge people as I meet them. I examine their sense of humor, the novelty of their words... things like that. If a person has no substance or blends into the thousands of nameless faces, I won't be inclined to know them further. It's okay. This first judgment doesn't cut a person off completely; they have their own right to try as well.

I cut out people that are annoying and whom I know I would tear apart. I don't want someone in my life I know will always just make me feel negatively. I don't want to constantly be angry at someone. And I don't want them to feel guilty for their way of living if it bothers me. We simply don't have to be friends.

It's not that I'm judging them for themselves. Every act of judgment is in relation to myself. I know this person is annoying only to me. I don't find this person interesting to me alone. So I suppose I'm saying that the judgment is for them as well as for me. I don't want to weigh them down with a friendship that will not benefit them either. Who wants to be friends with someone who is constantly annoyed at everything they say?

Yeah, I'm judgmental, but it's only for the benefit of those surrounding me. Sometimes, I suppose, I see relationships as extra weight of a sort.

Hands

I think a person's hands say a lot about them, and so I guess I spend a lot of time looking at people's hands.

Calluses tell how you hold a pen, if you write a lot, or if you play a stringed instrument. Some people have manicures; others may have chipped nails or well maintained ones. Girls sometimes repaint their nails a lot, or have no paint at all. And a lot of people bite their nails or the skin around there.

Hands are our mediator to do things. Almost everything we do is through our hands, and therefore they may be covered in ink, or cut, or what have you. Some people are able to shuffle cards elegantly and easily while others stumble awkwardly over them, and others still tap their nails or the pads of their fingers against tabletops in an idle moment.

I guess today my hands were entirely stained purple and green, and the ink soaked into the spots I bite on my fingers. A lot of crevices were highlighted today in the afternoon sun, my nails were contaminated with dye, and it surprised me how much it both bothered and delighted me.

And further still, a person's touch is mostly through their hands. Some are entirely gentle, while others convey their nervousness in their touch. Comfort and personality are here, too.

And every person has different hands. It's a unique trait, and for some reason it entirely fascinates me in a nearly indescribable way.

Nighttime music

So when I listened to that song in the dark, I couldn't stay still. Slow and quiet movements, like I was part of the room.

I wonder, had I not been around for the walk back, would you two have danced in the cold?

We were so happy, friends in the night; in the vastness we were not small anymore.

And I suppose we all had our thoughts, and we all felt our humanness in our blood.

And I wish I had known just what you were thinking, but I feel so content I need no more.