Mark.

I wrote this from the perspective of someone with a heart condition. Under the hard exterior, people may have their pains, life, humanity.

When I woke this morning, I wasn’t myself anymore. It’s a weird feeling, when your heart gives out. You feel like maybe the world around you has melted away in one quick instant, but really the thing that is fading is there within you. It’s quick and slow, and the pain comes in bursts. The pain shoots itself through your body, draining the life from the aura that floats around you. That is how my life takes itself away. My heart struggles and it pulls for more life from the rest of me.

I never wanted this. I never asked to have this pull me deep into drowning suffocating air. I’m too young; I have to sleep most of the time to stay awake.

And so, these are the prime years of my life. I have been struggling to stay above the water, and my body has been pulling me back down. I stay inside, and I’ve never played sports. Because I can’t stay stable enough to go, school is out. I don’t revel in snow days or holidays, but take every day as if it is my last. I’m sorry, I suppose that’s a bit melodramatic…

I wanted a girlfriend. Not one of these I get nowadays, online. I wanted one in school, who stood by my locker and kissed me on the cheek. I wanted to see what something light felt like, because I was always being dragged down.

So of course I spent a lot of time pitying myself, and thinking it over at night. I also spent a lot of time escaping it, and I had a lot of fun not being myself. I guess I still do. It doesn’t matter what you or anyone else thinks: if you have a mind, you can live in it, and happily. The body is something that only drags you down. And this doesn’t only hold for me. In my situation, it might be clearer, but the body is only drawing from the energy we call life.

The life of a person leaves them, and it goes on for longer than the body lasts. Souls are eternal; they are infinitely stronger than a frail, dependent body.

And so I comforted myself with my beliefs. It is true, and I cannot see it any other way, as much as I try to negate it. My body is feeding on myself, struggling all these years.

Summer Rain

It's raining outside my window. A distant ring of thunder just cracked across the sky. Everything is being cleaned off tonight, like most nights in summer. It's telling me to forget...

Somewhere in the distance, the gods take a flash photo of the city. Every crevice is lit, every detail is preserved in the moment. For us humans, the moment freezes on our retinas for a brief moment.

Then it's gone.

Let us cover our faces, hide ourselves in shawls and cloaks... Keep ourselves from getting wet, from touching the water of the Lethe. Some people hide from it, but others stomp in the puddles and let their hair get wet. Kids, mostly. But they don't have as much to lose.

This is what night is. It covers all, and everyone has a place to hide. The night is so quiet, and I can see myself clearly, without a crowd and without all the networks that bind me in the day.

I'm such a hypocrite. I love the night and its solitude; I love the strength I've gained, but I'm still crippled with this dependence on the day.

I want to be left alone, yet I surround myself with people, friends, annoyances, all types.

I really understood the main character in Up in the Air, I guess.

Nights and rain lend themselves to such thoughts, I suppose.