Doublethink

I run myself in circles, I don't know what I really beleive in.

I don't beleive in, I'm not a fan of, I'm not involved in... But I am, in my heart of hearts, my own mind, my own processor of the outside stimuli that struggle and push to be considered.

Ugh, I write about what is troubling me, without any semblance of care for any kind of order. But then there is, I see that order in my work, and there it is again, all undone. All my mind's work undone again by itself.

What am I and what do I beleive in? I think these are the "central" questions to everything. I think that the reason they are so impossible to answer is that everyone overcomplicates them with the human essence of themselves. That is to say, no one is onesided or simple. These things can't be answered simply, and then they might not be able to be answered at all. Words oversimplify what things are.

Yeah. So then, maybe it's best not to search for the answers themselves, but understand what goes into them.

Maybe.

Night skies

I realize tonight that the sky is much brighter than it was when I was smaller. When I used to watch the sky back then, it was black. I was always amazed at how dark it could be, and how deep and endless darkness always seemed. There were so many points of light in that darkness. And tonight, the sky was blue and bright. The stars are dead in it.

I'm glad you can still confide in me. I'm glad my eyes can still see you all as you are.

I was under the impression that winter break was very long, and that three weeks would be enough time to see everyone. But everyone is slipping from me. I know that I like isolation, but I miss them. ... It's a bit disappointing too that even when I do find them, they annoy me with how they all seem to fit the molds of all other new college students. All my high school friends come together again with new stories about their respective schools, and it annoys me.

But when they're alone, when I can talk to them as they really are, I love them.

And it seems so odd, being this way.

So here it falls, once again. A cloak of pensive night, dark as ever. I find myself as I have always been, hidden away.

Once again, I see that the colors never bled away. They are here, and this time not glorious as they are in day light, but deep and dark and rich as only the night can offer.

Sweet dreams.

Winter Vacation and Minor Obsessions

I want to fill in all of my years of idle time. I suppose that I feel like I haven't done much of anything in my life... I can't say I really watched many movies or anime, or read many books, or even played very many games.

I want to make up for my lost time by filling in as much of my time now with media. I'm being greedy. I'm watching any suggestions. I have watched 17 movies now, in just this month. Most of them were during exam week, when I felt like my time was infinite, even though it definitely wasn't.

So now I am thinking again, about life, and love, and the motivations of people. I am watching these stories unfold, and I am examining them.

These peices of media are what humankind has created to further convey their stories.

Soon I will go to the library too, and read parts of the list I have been meaning to read for years.

Yes, I suppose I'm retreating into myself, but this divine research is the best kind, and I suppose one could say that I'm finally "studying."

Adieu...

Time and finals week.

It's a beautiful thing, to wake from a black and white haze. I felt for a while like things meant nothing, like there wasn't beauty anywhere anymore.

But then I saw it in you.

HA! Just kidding, kidding. No, but I suppose I just woke from it all at once this morning. I started thinking like I used to, knowing like I used to. It's okay to trust people. It's alright to help people.

I really really love people, as much as I tend to dislike individuals. Although people may be inherently bad in the end, they always have good qualities.

Maybe I shouldn't be so afraid of talking to someone new. I mean, although I am different than many others, most people are still just as afraid of new social interaction anyway.

Here we go! I'll try to be a bit braver, but I can't say how much it'll pay off.

Also, as much as I like to attribute strangers with great qualities, --I don't know them--. I mean, maybe I'm always wrong, but at least I might be right. It really doesn't matter to me if they're awful people, because they are who they are, and in the end, all you can do is accept them or avoid them.

And as much as I may try to see it another way, we're in the final stretch for exams, but I still feel like I have infinite time.

Goodnight!

私は混沌の黒魔術師!!!

THE PERFECT GUY,

1. Is a totally awesome nerd
   
2. Conditions his hair
3. Taller than myself (since I'm short hopefully this isn't a problem)
4. Plays paladin style classes on MMOs
5. Types properly
   
6. Doesn't have nipples
7. Knows some damn good game music
8. Speaks in an archaic style
9. Knows when to be serious and when to be silly
10. Is optimistic, but realistic
11. Agnostic
12. Reads good, meaningful things
13. Likes having time to himself and values close friendships
14. Has long hair and a bit of a sense of style
15. Remote-controlled sideburns
    

The things he does NOT have/do:

• Hairy chest
• Excessive amount of muscles
  
• 4-chan
• Sparkle in the sunlight
• A penis
• Discriminate against certain styles of media (like Sean Kennedy)
• Friend collects and is always always always needing to be around people
• Texts all the time
• MYSPACE
• Facial hair (I had a traumatic childhood)
  

Feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh well.

The Magic can't be dead.

So I've been gone for a long long time. Going to college (I got past all that self-describing stuff) is an experience that has changed me much more than I thought it would.

I never used to look at people and imagine myself knowing them as a significant other would. It's such an odd thing, because I know that many many others almost always are scouting. But I really never have. And I suppose one person has caught my eye.

It's creepy as fuck, because I literally watch him from afar. I'm too awkward to say "Hello," because I don't know what to say after "Hi."

I guess that I'll just vent it all here.

He's beautiful; he has such grace. He seems quiet, thoughtful. He has a sweet smile.

DJgkal God. I wish I was socially proficient.