Who am...

Whew. I wonder what it is that makes a person feel lonely.

I really hate how angsty I am lately.

It's really not that abnormal for me to be introspective, you know. But something in me has become more... simple, I guess. For lack of better words, I have regressed into a state of ... lesser maturity, let's say.

I've been giddy, easily amused, and somewhat stupid.

I mean, I can be that way anyway, but it's different now.

I really want to figure it out.

The cognitive dissonance results from all these extra behaviors, as well. I act so strong and happy and gidddy, and I feel that way too

But then later on, how different I am! Quam serena! But then, who am I really? It's that question that's raised naturally, you know..

Am I really this strong, or is it a facade? Am I really so deep, so enduring among others?

I'd really like to think so, but for certain reasons that shall be my own only, I know I am far from strong. I can only be strong enough to help those around me who need it, until I'm by myself.

Ahh, the most common question among us, "Who am I?"

Who are you?

Are you like me? Do you think like me?

Are you realistic, human, weak?

Aren't we all..

But don't we hide it much too often..

In jokes, in laughter, in materials...

But am I really giddy? Am I really happy when I forget?

Is forgetting what it takes to make someone happy?

Is that why you forgot me..

Why didn't I ever send this e-mail?

People are self-serving and disappointing. I've seen many people give up on them and become cold and distant because of it.

But no matter what, there will always be at least one person who still believes that there is hope in people. Someone who believes that there is some potential in almost every single person, no matter how damaged they are from the people and experiences they've borne witness.

Every person is changed via the things they experience to some degree.

It may seem impossible, but there will always be someone who resists the pain and suffering around them. Sadly, many times these people are destroyed, but sometimes..

Sometimes, they can understand just what hurts the others around them.

And sometimes,

Many times,

Something changes.

...no matter how temporary.

On the other side of the Mirror

There you can't fly

nor can you turn, or
float or
glide through

And the space is empty
and it's harder to
lift yourself up

On that side
there's a different world

It may not be as interesting
or diverse

But I guess
it's easier to run there

Who are you, and why should I care? (Angry rant)

I'm so tired of generic people and things.

So many people that think they're unique claim to like things no one else is into. A prime example is music.

Point: If you like something, truly, then it doesn't matter if anyone else likes it. That means that it could be extremely popular, or very obscure, but you still like it, either way. It really should not be a factor at all in your judgment what other people think of the matter.

Point two: That is so generic. I have seen the "things no one else is into" statement everywhere. Hell, I used to kind of be like that years ago. Then I realized how much sense it made. None.

Religion.
I'll respect your opinion on the matter so long as you don't try to convert me. Yeah, don't confuse being "agnostic" with being a "Satanist," either. There's a definite difference. Seriously. It's my thought that those people are just the stereotyping kind, really. If you instantly think in a "Since this, then that" type of logic, well... I can only say it's a little simple minded. And also, it's not usually thinking in a higher order when you lump drastically different things together. If "Agnostic" lumps me into the group of Satanists, Atheists, Anarchists, murderers, and delinquents, I probably am not going to like you very much, probably because that entire thought process makes it evident that you are quite ignorant.

I really dislike any religious people who beleive every word they witness from said religion. It's usually not a good sign when someone willingly and unquestioningly beleives everything they are told. It's usually a sign of a weak minded individual. If you can beleive and still think for yourself, good. That's the kind of thing I appreciate.


I really avoid people if I can tell there's something there that I really wouldn't get along with. I try to save myself the trouble of being angry at the qualities that disappoint me.

I've said it before. I look for people that seem different, that seem intelligent.

And intelligence isn't about knowing facts or getting good grades. It's a way of thinking. It's being inquisitive and being able to think a little deeper into things.

And please, please, please don't disappoint me further, humanity.

Compilation

thought differently but was soon forgotten

only remembered by meaningless physical features

was always distracted by something else

and knew nothing more than innocence

wondering what the end would bring


the end came
she wasn't prepared.

Ever read The Scarlet Letter?

This is mine. It's not my deepest secret, but it's not like it's something I want everyone to know.

Guesses?

How deep is the water?

Sometimes, when it's late, the trains go by. I hear every part of the house move in response, the deep lurching of the skeleton. The outside of the walls sound like they're crumbling, peeling away, into nothing. The rectangular shape of the bed, the joining walls, and the foundation seem to shift, closing in to touch my feet, to come alive.

And I, with wide but somewhat tired eyes, in my warm pocket under the blankets, look out and see so much, but not much. I can only see what the window will let me see.. The room is my own, and I recognize most of it. Everything shifts back as the power fades. Nothing moves when the train goes along. The rumble dies off in the distance, taking the magic it brought with it.

And then I wonder where you are and who you're with, hoping you're still alone, like I am, like you've always been. I know that's who you are.

Sometimes I know that we'll live our lives separately and that I'll never see or hear from you again, and then I want to bring you closer to me, and I don't mean to strangle you. I feel like I may never feel differently than this; always longing.

Then I think.. that you will find me, and you will save me from all of this, from all of this emptiness and evil around me.

But then again, I don't know. Sometimes.. I don't know you. And it's hard to admit.

I wish the trains didn't have to leave.

Lithium

Another is the day
When
We will rest
Element number three
Will not be the one
To subdue this passion

We may write and sing and dance
And create
Finish
Expand

Until this short lived
Dream
Is paid for
In the opposite

Go back to your dependence
Take your doses and
Be balanced

At least more than this
Sometimes

And I will take the good
And make the rest into just
A natural state of being

I will mold the downs
From negative
To Zero

Just Zero

And more, some days

Are you happy?

Sometimes, it's just hard to act happy when you know that really, everything isn't.

I don't think that thinking constantly about the cold and miserable part of the world is the way to live, but to just think of things in perspective, and understand that things aren't always happy, nor are they always sad.

I can't really identify much with those people that always smile blindly, the ones that ignore the shadows in the world and avoid them, forcing themselves to beleive that they don't really exist.

My favorite people are the ones that you see are aware.

The ones that sometimes falter in their manner, trying to fit in.
The ones that are searching for the truth.
The ones that feel different from everyone else.

They ask questions.

They try to comprehend.
They become depressed..
They look for a purpose...

And those people, they don't know what to do.

They're not always happy, they know they aren't

They have their grievances, and really, I'm glad they do.

I'm glad that there are people who can feel something. They show signs that they sometimes go a little bit further.

At my doctor's office, there's this nurse that always looks after people, and always asks how they're doing. She always makes compliments, and once, she faltered a little. I realized just how bad she felt about herself. I think.. she always gave and never got anything in return.


I wonder if my intuitions of people really are correct sometimes.

I really didn't like one speaker at my school. He was some psychology major, at some unimportant school. He just gave us some motivational speech.. but.. For whatever reason, I thought it sounded really fake. I just thought I saw how it was trying to change my opinion. No.. Nothing is always happy. No.. I don't think like that. No.. It's not okay.
It was like.. there wasn't really much room to argue against him. He would have this presence where he would assume complete authority and that whatever we said was nothing compared to his words. Somehow, it worked. He did it subtly. No one seemed to notice it except for me.
And everyone else really liked him.. It was kind of scary, really. You know what? I don't care what anyone says. I know it's not true. I won't beleive you, and I will analyze everything you say. You can't change me.
I don't really understand what it was. I don't get why I felt so alienated. Everyone else seemed to be under a spell. I felt so alone there at that moment. It felt unreal.
That's how those great leaders work their way up. I'm thinking that is what Hitler must have been like. Of course he got them to think how he wanted them to...


But I like others. I like those people that keep to themselves for the most part. I like people that say insightful things.

Sadly, they don't seem to really exist anymore.


Are you happy?